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So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Ever Been

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You never quite believed you'd reach this age, but here you are, doddering along and able to function pretty well for an old coot. Sure, you've seen some changes along the way. Your eyesight isn't what it used to be and you don't seem to hear as well as you did before, especially the way everyone seems to mumble these days. Your brain is still in top shape, which is surprising considering all the things you've done to damage it. Congratulations on reaching your advanced age. Wear this tee when you're yelling at the kids to get off your lawn.